Connecting with Adult Children as Empty Nesters

Interview with Jim Burns on his book "Doing Life With Your Adult Children"

As empty nesters, we often find ourselves navigating uncharted waters in our relationships with our adult children. The transition can be rocky, leaving us feeling adrift and unsure of our new role. That's why I was thrilled to sit down with Jim Burns, author of "Doing Life With Your Adult Children: Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out," to gain some much-needed wisdom on this journey.

Jim's warmth and understanding shine through as he shares insights gained from his own experiences as a parent of three adult daughters. He acknowledges the challenges we face, validating our emotions while offering a fresh perspective on how to move forward.

One of the most striking revelations from our conversation was Jim's breakdown of the different stages of parenting. Remember those early years when we were in full "catering mode" with our babies? Then came the "control stage" from ages 2-10, where we micromanaged every aspect of their lives (admit it, we kind of loved being in charge!). As our kids entered the teen years, we shifted into "coaching mode," gradually giving them more freedom while still guiding from the sidelines.

But here's where many of us get stuck - we struggle to transition into the final stage of "caring" for our adult children. Jim emphasizes that this shift is crucial, yet it's one that neither parents nor children are truly prepared for. We've never been parents of adults before, and they've never been adult children. It's a learning process for everyone involved.

One of the most powerful insights Jim shared was the need to rewrite our job description as parents. We've effectively been "fired" from our day-to-day parenting role, which can feel like a gut punch to our sense of purpose and identity. But instead of clinging to our old job title, Jim encourages us to embrace this new chapter and find ways to relate to our children as fellow adults.

For those of us grappling with strained relationships or even estrangement from our adult children, Jim offers a beacon of hope. He advocates for "broadening the base" of our interactions, moving beyond contentious topics to rebuild connections through shared interests and fun experiences. It's about swallowing our pride, making the first move, and focusing on baby steps rather than expecting overnight transformations.

Jim's advice resonated deeply with me, reminding me of my own journey to repair relationships with my children. It wasn't always easy, but by letting go of my need to be right and focusing on rebuilding trust, we were able to find our way back to each other.

One of the most challenging aspects of this transition is learning when to offer advice and when to bite our tongues. Jim humorously refers to the "scars" in his mouth from all the tongue-biting he's had to do! He reminds us that unsolicited advice is often perceived as criticism by our adult children, no matter how well-intentioned. Instead, he suggests asking for permission before offering guidance and trusting that the values we've instilled will resurface in time.

For those of us feeling adrift in the empty nest, Jim offers words of encouragement. This is our opportunity to rediscover ourselves, to pursue passions and dreams that may have been put on hold during our intensive parenting years. He challenges us to create a "dream list" with our partners, setting new goals and finding purpose beyond our identity as parents.

Perhaps most importantly, Jim reminds us that we are not responsible for our adult children's happiness - nor should they be responsible for ours. This shift in perspective can be liberating, freeing us from the burden of trying to control outcomes and allowing us to focus on our own growth and well-being.

As I reflected on our conversation, I was struck by the overwhelming sense of hope Jim conveys. Yes, the empty nest transition can be painful and disorienting. But it also offers a unique opportunity for growth, both for ourselves and in our relationships with our adult children.

To my fellow empty nest moms who may be feeling left out, heartbroken, or even angry about struggles to connect with your grown children - please know that you're not alone. The path forward may not always be clear, but there is hope for healing and for building new, meaningful connections with your adult children.

Remember, as Jim so beautifully puts it, "really good parents have kids who sometimes make poor choices." If you're in a season of watching your child wander from the values you instilled, take heart. The foundation you've laid remains, even if it's not immediately apparent.

As we navigate this new phase of life, let's commit to keeping our welcome mats out while also nurturing our own growth and happiness. It's a delicate balance, but one that can lead to rich, rewarding relationships with our adult children and a renewed sense of purpose for ourselves.

In closing, I want to echo Jim's parting words: "You're probably doing a lot better job than you think." Let's hold onto that encouragement as we continue to learn, grow, and redefine our relationships with our adult children. The journey may not always be smooth, but it's one filled with potential for deep connection and joy.